joke time

[B6lee]

Nice lol

 

[Elijah007]

hahaha this is the funniest thread ever... Thanks for sharing these jokes guys....

Teacher : If you have 10 chocolate cakes
and
someone asks for 2,
How many do u have left?

Little Johnny: 10

Teacher: Ok, Well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes,
how many would u have left then ?

Little Johnny : 10 and a dead body.

 

[martinthegooner]

i said to the wife "honey,i have a problem"
"darling" she replied "if you have a problem,then we have a problem.we are a married couple and we are in this together so we will act as a unit,ok?dont EVER forget that"
"oh ok,thankyou" i replied,
"we have got your sister pregnant"

 

[danevo6]

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."

 

[EVOIV MJC]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a
Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid, worthless, Infidel, Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-FuuCker

 

[evo arm's m7960]

this thread is great :0)



.

 

[evo arm's m7960]

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU CRY NO ONE SEES YOUR TEARS.... :O(
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY NO ONE SEES YOUR SMILE...:O)

But fart one fekin time and everyone knows................ and man do they let you know about it



.

 

[martinthegooner]

Paddy gets a new gf and one night round hers she suggests they do a 69er,Paddy asks what's that? She says "you lie on the bed" as she lowers herself onto his face she farts.jumps up and says "sorry,we will try again" as she squats over his face she farts again,at this point Paddy jumps up and says "im not hanging around for another 67 of them.

 

[vinny b]

Golden Wonder has announced that for every multipack of NikNaks sold, 50% of profits shall be donated to the Pakistan flood appeal. The aim is to provide rain coats and temporary housing for the victims. The NikNak paki mac give a wog a home scheme starts Monday.

 

[vinny b]

I pulled a stunnin gypsy bird last nite, she asked me if I wanted 2 go back 2 hers 4 a gud time? - "she wasn't ****in jokin either! - I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train & even came home with a ****in goldfish!"

 

[vinny b]

Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his birthday. Dad said "no son,the mortgage is 80 grand and mummy's just lost her job" next day little sam walked out with his suitcase packed. Dad asked "where are you going son" Sam replied "i walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum that u were pullin out, she said to wait cos she was comin too,and I'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no ****ing bike!

 

[B6lee]

Ha ha, some good ones there

 

[danevo6]

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."The lieutenent can't beleive it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn.The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp decended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenent sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, "Let me go! Let me go!""Good God man," said the lieutenent. "There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry?"The corporal replied, "I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one!"

 

[duke748]

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and says “Well, I m a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?” And the attendant responds”Sorry, but no oil either.” The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can’t do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ?” The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.” The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”

 

[duke748]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft to be tellin them. But I ll be tellin them I wasn’t the one drinkin .”

 

[duke748]

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”. The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.” “That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!” Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”

 

[duke748]

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of th e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”

 

[duke748]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: “Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.” “What do you mean it’s illegal?” asked the Englishmen. “Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen says disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.” “You can ta pulla thata one ona me,” replies the Italian customs agent.”Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin a the law”. The Englishmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!” “Sorry,” responds the Italian official, “he can ta come”.”He’s a busy with two guys in a Uno”.